But as I get older, I feel compelled to add one more qualification to my list of demands—you’ve gotta be out!  

I cannot believe in the year 2007 I’m actually typing this, but it happened… it’s on my computer screen and I’m gonna run with it. You’ve gotta be out.  

Now I know living in Los Angeles, I run the risk of coming across those actor types who are in the closet for the sake of their career. And coming from San Diego, down there it was the whole military thing. But I am 27 years old and come March, I will have been out for ten years, and I just don’t think I can build a future around lies, whispers and walking on eggshells.  

Besides, for me, the magic of dating is in getting out and exploring the world with someone. Experiencing new things with each other, soaking it all in—it’s not cramming in 45 minutes of fucking while your roomie’s at the gym or telling everyone we come into contact with that I’m your cousin visiting from the east coast. There was something almost exciting and erotic about that when I was still in college, but now it just seems like the beginning of a truly lonely existence.  

This isn’t my plea to force the closeted but otherwise dateable men of America to declare their homosexuality to the world, but it is a turning point for me in how I approach dating. Dating is not sex…. it’s not meeting someone at the bar for a late night hook up, it’s not logging on to Manhunt, Adam 4 Adam, Gay.com or any of the other countless Websites men use to meet other men and agreeing to hang out and “watch a movie” or something. It’s not an afternoon quickie, it doesn’t require the deception of family, friends and co-workers. And it most certainly does not involve me shimmying out the back window when your roomie gets home from work!  

Not that I’ve done any of these things mind you—I’m merely saying (insert wink here)!  

But seriously. I think gay men, as a rule, short-change themselves when it comes to dating. You may have a different set of problems—mine has been ignoring the guys who could potentially be good for me and chasing the ones I know will lead to disaster. I could go on for hours about the ways in which a therapist might dissect that notion, but instead I’ll put the time to some good use.  

If the ultimate happiness in life is to build a little world you seem to enjoy and find someone to enjoy it with you, why would I, who works for a gay television network, lives within spitting distance of West Hollywood and has been out since high-school, essentially go back in the closet to pursue a relationship with a “straight” man? Or someone with a drinking problem? A manic depressive who hasn’t yet come to terms with his homosexuality? A high-school drop out who, 12 years after not graduating, still hasn’t attempted to get his GED and works at Blockbuster Video?  

I wouldn’t—yet I have!  

And I know plenty of gay men who have shortchanged themselves in similar ways—complaints of the “there are no good men out there, why do I always find the loser in the bunch” variety.  

We always find the loser in the bunch because failing at a relationship is easier than succeeding at one!  

The odds are already stacked against us as gay men. First we have society telling us our relationships are worth squat. Then we have that whole “horny man” syndrome—the one that makes the majority of gay relationships “open.” The fact that the stigma in the gay community says a relationship that makes it three months is equal to three years in a straight relationship. It’s a lot to contend with.  

And so instead of actually stepping up to the plate and trying to find that someone who could feasibly make us happy, we date losers because when it ends, it’s not our fault.  

Maybe it’s a bit late to be making New Year’s Resolutions, but I’ve got one—to date better in 2007. When I say you have to be smart, funny, motivated and attractive, I mean it… it’s not just a suggestion. If you knock back a few drinks every time you have a stressful day and then drunk dial me to let it all out, you’re not for me. If you have anger issues, move on. If you say you want to date but what you’re really looking for is a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” under the guise of it being an actual date, just say you want to hook up and be honest about it.  

And if you are, indeed, one of those folks who has yet to come to terms with the fact that if you suck dick, think about guys whole jacking off or have any sort of emotional/physical attraction to men that goes beyond knocking a few guys down on the football court you’re probably gay—this is my swan song.  

Over and out, I’m signing off…. because this stigma about gay relationships isn’t going to change unless we try and change it. None of us have a shot at finding Mr. Right unless we all start holding ourselves accountable for repeatedly dating Mr. Wrong.  

Now if I could just get over my intimacy issues…